Bachelor in Paradise – Non-Fiction/Double-Feature

Two episodes of the Bachelor in one week is a lot to handle, but luckily we had two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, which has proved to be a far more entertaining show. But four hours is still a lot to A. watch, and B. blog about. So let’s get started, we have a lot to get to.

Robert & Sarah 

The connection between Robert and Michelle $ was quickly forgotten when Robert received a date card and asked Sarah. This was no surprise to anyone except Michelle BECAUSE HE GAVE HER THE ROSE LIKE 8 HOURS AGO. On their date, the get to jump off boats and have a lot of fun. In the second episode of the week, Sarah is the one who gets the date card and asks Robert, of course. They eat dinner before going swimming, clearly disregarding anything their parents ever told them.

New Arrivals 

This week we saw the arrivals of 4 recognizable faces and 1 ‘who?’. The first night brought Cody, Jesse, and Kalon to paradise looking for a connection. The second night we had 2 of Juan Pablo’s rejects, Christy and Lucy, grace the cast.

‘I’m not crying’

Alllll By Myselffffff

Kalon made history this week on Bachelor in Paradise. After being turned down by multiple women, he decided to go on a date by himself. This segment was easily in the top 5 moments of the season. An extremely self-aware Kalon knew what we wanted to see.  Bachelor in Paradise has been very tongue-in-cheek, which is great to see for those of us who claim to watch the show ironically (let’s be real, our love is not ironic). Kalon spelunked a little in between moments of complimenting himself and getting to first base with none other than his favourite person, Kalon. Unsurprisingly, Kalon didn’t make it past his first rose ceremony.

IT’S FAKE YOU GUYS

Cody came for Clare. Clare was with Zach. Cody set his sights on perennial spinster, Michelle $. Michelle likes Cody, but she’s not as into Cody as he is into her (and sun damage). He has all the great qualities you could want in a man, he’s doting, gives good massages, and he can bench press her! SCOOP THAT UP. They go on a date that involves them taking loving photos on the beach. They then must go for a costume change, where Michelle $ finds a cheap and tacky wedding dress for her to wear in the next set of photos. After a minor freak out, she puts on the dress, but makes sure everyone in the resort knows that they’re not actually getting married.

we can see you

Trashlee & Graham 

Ugh. This girl. She spent some time shit-talking Clare to Zach when she thought the cameras weren’t on her, bringing up Clare’s infamous romp in the ocean. Zach defended her in this instance. She felt bad only when she realized there were cameras on her. You are on reality tv, obviously there are cameras EVERYWHERE. Through the grapevine, Graham heard about this. He ended up feeling very faint during the rose ceremony and ran out. Michelle followed him. She said it was maybe a bad sign that he feels like this when thinking about accepting a rose from Ashlee. He accepts her rose anyway. I think Michelle is right on this one, she should have been chasing him out to make sure he was okay.

Clare-adise No More

This was a rocky week for everyone’s favourite raccoon-lover. Clare turned down the offer for a date with Cody. Zach said it was up to her to decide, which should have been a sign for Clare that this wasn’t going to go well. He later turned down a date from Christy. This wasn’t enough to save their struggling relationship. It was all too much too fast for Zach. Clare wants a man who know what he wants, and it just wasn’t Zach. She decided that she needed to leave paradise, and it was pretty apparent why when Zach didn’t fight for her to stay. I actually really enjoyed Clare on this season, and I hope she finds someone who makes her happy.

Not looking good, you guys

Menage a Blah

After receiving a rose from Jackie, Jesse wants to explore other options. Enter Christy. She first asks out Zach, who turns her down. She then goes for Jesse, who happily accepts. She divulges to him her past relationships, mistaking him for a genuine guy, but dude is a straight up douche. They make out a little. Lucy then arrives, making quite a first impression. Girl clearly thought she was on ‘Dating Naked’ as she disrobes pretty well immediately. She too asks Zach on a date. They too make out. Then, after a declaration that no one is drinking enough by Christy, they all make out together. Or at least that’s what editing tells us.

OTP

Goodbye

These week we say goodbye to Kalon, as to be expected. We also said goodbye to Marquel after Jackie gave her rose to Jesse. In the final rose ceremony of the evening, Jesse must choose between Christy and Lucy, both who are vying for his rose. He ends up giving it to Christy. Previews tell us that union probably won’t be lasting too much longer.

Until next week, mes amies! Follow me on twitter and check out this week’s podcast!

Bachelor in Paradise – Game of Roses

This episode moved a little slower than the previous two, but it was still a great episode, regardless. Bachelor in Paradise has quickly become one of the most compelling and absurd shows on TV. So let’s get right into this

Rose Ceremony Fall-out

Chris was obviously not totally impressed that Elise chose Dylan first before eventually giving the rose to him. She made it better by being totally in love with this douche canoe already. Michelle $ realizes soon after the ceremony that she might have made a mistake giving her rose to Marquel instead of Robert.

good try you guys

The New-Comers

This week brings us two ladies who are both stunningly beautiful, equally as forgettable in their original seasons, and both there to make-out with Marquel. Danielle arrives first and chooses Marquel and they hop on a private plane and go for their date. They go swimming and eat dinner, which could have been done on location, but whatever. They have good chemistry, and Danielle admits she’s been crushing on him for a while. Jackie arrives a little later on and also selects Marquel for her date. Danielle acts like an adult and doesn’t run into the bathroom and call Jackie names unlike SOMEONE ELSE ON THE CAST, ASHLEE. They have a great date gallivanting around some ruins, and they both break their ‘no kissing on the first date’ rule.

Elise & Chris

Elise finally got her first date card, and obviously asks Chris on the date. Just prior, Chris manages to tear his knee just like, walking around or something. They too jet off for their date. They meander around the town or something, I’m not totally sure. I tend to black out during the date. During dinner they got message from ‘Chris Harrison’ with the keys to their separate rooms. Elise ‘LOLd’ in the face of this, and decided that here and Chris should bunk up for the night.

Marcus & Lacey

They’re boring now. Moving on.

this is Graham’s ‘you are insane’ face

Ashlee & Graham

She is straight up insane. Ashlee was whining that she hasn’t gotten a date yet. The producers, sick of hearing her, send her on a date. She obviously chooses Graham. They eat dinner and she reveals how big of a creep she really is. Graham is visibly a little freaked out. Imagine how he would react if he heard what she was saying in her confessionals. After a little dancing, they (Graham) elect to stay in their own rooms for the evening.

Zach & Clare

Zach admitted that Jackie was one of the women he was curious to see in paradise, but he is really enjoying his time with Clare. I have to give it up to Clare, she is way less grating here than she was on the Bachelor, even though she has a few odd moments. Case in point; saying that the sea turtle was a sign from God that her and Zach were meant to be after a legitimately sweet moment of her and Zach talking about her father.

‘I just can’t handle how dumb everyone else is’

Double Dates and the 11^th wheel

After giving up on Marquel, Michelle $ is ALLLLL in on Robert. She recruits Clare to help her get it going with him. They plan a double date, which is actually a cute idea. Sarah is visibly rattled, she feels like she missed her chance to hang out with him, and why would anyone choose Sarah over Michelle. I WOULD CHOOSE YOU SARAH. Her confessional was really heart-breaking, and something I’m sure many of us have felt. The date was actually kind of mediocre; Robert didn’t seem that into it. Robert later asked Sarah what was wrong and she had a hard time articulating her feelings.

The Rose Ceremony

The obvious couples went first, as to not get in the way of our enjoyment of suspense. After Clare, Ashlee, and Lacey received their roses, we moved on to the wildcard roses. Marquel had to choose between Danielle and Jackie, both who he had connections with. There wasn’t much surprise when He chose Jackie. Michelle and Sarah both wanted Robert’s rose, but he ended up giving it to my girl, Sarah, leaving Michelle in tears. Chris called up Elise, but told her he couldn’t give her the rose. He felt after his injury, that he needed to go home, but he wanted her to go with him. She agreed to do so, even after the advice given to her from her friends. He still needed to give away his rose, and gave it to Michelle because he knew that this vacation experience meant a lot to her.

This week, besides the Bachelor in Paradise podcast, I was also a guest on the TARCan/TARAus podcast, so check both of those out. As always, you can find me on twitter here. I’ll see you back here next week for 4 hours of DRAAAMAAA.

Bachelor in Paradise – Everything’s Crazier in Mexico

I have been really looking forward to Bachelor in Paradise since we heard about it, and the premiere certainly did not disappoint. Instead of doing recaps this season, I think I’m going to reformat my blogs a little bit hitting on the important ‘headlines’ of the episode, because I have a hard time caring about the mundane parts of the episodes. Let me know if you like/dislike the change. HERE WE GOOOO.

The Format

Going into the show, I and many others were pretty confused about how this was going to work. So here’s the scoop in case you knocked back a little more rosé than you intended; so there will always be an uneven ratio of males and females. Each week, the men and women will take turns handing out roses. If you’re left without a rose, you have to leave ‘paradise’. There will be former contestants in and out also trying to make connections and trying to displace others. I don’t really know how this show is going to finish out though? Probably in a blaze of glory and STDs.

10 minutes in and already terrifying the people of Mexico

The Cast, So Far

So we see Chris Harrison in a suit made for Easter Sunday ready to greet the folks who will start off in the cabana.

Ashlee – who has been insane since the moment she got on the resort

Ben – a super villain in his original season, but bland as crackers in the premiere

Clare – She was definitely a casting lock, and she came off pretty likable in the first episode of the series

Marquel – You all KNOW how excited I was to see him in the cast

Elise – I called her casting in my original BiP post, her dress last night was a complete disaster, not unlike her in general

Dylan – I wasn’t really sure why he was cast, but I’m fine with it. I have a crush on him OKAY?!

Danielle – who?

Graham – I vaguely remember him from Bachelor Pad, but I already like him a lot. I think he’s meant to be the ‘normal’ guy in the cast

Lacey – It’s clear to see why she was cast. Especially in that bikini.

Robert – He seriously looks like a Hemsworth, but otherwise forgettable

Michelle k – I didn’t recognize her, but she is a legit lunatic

Michelle Money – She has history with Graham, so that should be interesting. She is a cool, smart, self-aware girl, which we need a little of on this show

Sarah – BIG FAN RIGHT HERE. Easily my favourite person in this cast

‘I already can’t deal with Ashlee anymore’

Love At First Sight (and Before)

There were a shocking number of L-bombs dropped last night. Marcus, AshLee, and Elise were already talking about forever with some of their fellow castmates. Calm down, you guys. Elise had mentioned that she was already falling in love with Dylan. I just can’t with you, Elise. Marcus proves yet again that he falls hard and fast, and has feelings for Lacy. AshLee has been in love with Graham since before even arriving in Mexico, just based solely on his twitter account. Okay then…

$$$

Michelle Money was the first extra guest to come into the house, striking fear into the hearts of the other women. With her arrival, it means that two ladies will be heading home. She arrives to the compound with a date card in hand. After hanging out with old pal (and Ashlee stalkee), Graham, she chooses Marquel for her date. Great choice, girl.

Oh, the Insanity

There is already an absurd amount of crazy going on in this show. There’s the whole situation with Ashlee and Graham where she has already staked her claim on him, and freaks out on Clare for asking Graham on a date and doesn’t get why Graham isn’t faithful to her. In a brilliant piece of editing, Clare appears to have a heart-to-heart with a racoon. Michelle is just a weirdo, Elise has the idea to wear that horrendous dress, and it is pretty insane that Lacy doesn’t know how to add to 100.

GET IT GURL

The Rose Ceremony

The men will be handing out the roses this week, before they can do that, Michelle K interrupts and says she’s leaving. K bye. There is a little drama in Marcus giving his rose to Lacy, when that was also Robert’s plan. He ends up giving it to Clare, and Ben gives his to Sarah. This sends Daniella packing.

Next Week

Chris is back! This time he’s invited!

Follow me on twitter and check out the first podcast of the season I did with Amy!