Bachelor in Paradise – Non-Fiction/Double-Feature

Two episodes of the Bachelor in one week is a lot to handle, but luckily we had two episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, which has proved to be a far more entertaining show. But four hours is still a lot to A. watch, and B. blog about. So let’s get started, we have a lot to get to.

Robert & Sarah 

The connection between Robert and Michelle $ was quickly forgotten when Robert received a date card and asked Sarah. This was no surprise to anyone except Michelle BECAUSE HE GAVE HER THE ROSE LIKE 8 HOURS AGO. On their date, the get to jump off boats and have a lot of fun. In the second episode of the week, Sarah is the one who gets the date card and asks Robert, of course. They eat dinner before going swimming, clearly disregarding anything their parents ever told them.

New Arrivals 

This week we saw the arrivals of 4 recognizable faces and 1 ‘who?’. The first night brought Cody, Jesse, and Kalon to paradise looking for a connection. The second night we had 2 of Juan Pablo’s rejects, Christy and Lucy, grace the cast.

'I'm not crying'

‘I’m not crying’

Alllll By Myselffffff

Kalon made history this week on Bachelor in Paradise. After being turned down by multiple women, he decided to go on a date by himself. This segment was easily in the top 5 moments of the season. An extremely self-aware Kalon knew what we wanted to see.  Bachelor in Paradise has been very tongue-in-cheek, which is great to see for those of us who claim to watch the show ironically (let’s be real, our love is not ironic). Kalon spelunked a little in between moments of complimenting himself and getting to first base with none other than his favourite person, Kalon. Unsurprisingly, Kalon didn’t make it past his first rose ceremony.

IT’S FAKE YOU GUYS

Cody came for Clare. Clare was with Zach. Cody set his sights on perennial spinster, Michelle $. Michelle likes Cody, but she’s not as into Cody as he is into her (and sun damage). He has all the great qualities you could want in a man, he’s doting, gives good massages, and he can bench press her! SCOOP THAT UP. They go on a date that involves them taking loving photos on the beach. They then must go for a costume change, where Michelle $ finds a cheap and tacky wedding dress for her to wear in the next set of photos. After a minor freak out, she puts on the dress, but makes sure everyone in the resort knows that they’re not actually getting married.

we can see you

we can see you

Trashlee & Graham 

Ugh. This girl. She spent some time shit-talking Clare to Zach when she thought the cameras weren’t on her, bringing up Clare’s infamous romp in the ocean. Zach defended her in this instance. She felt bad only when she realized there were cameras on her. You are on reality tv, obviously there are cameras EVERYWHERE. Through the grapevine, Graham heard about this. He ended up feeling very faint during the rose ceremony and ran out. Michelle followed him. She said it was maybe a bad sign that he feels like this when thinking about accepting a rose from Ashlee. He accepts her rose anyway. I think Michelle is right on this one, she should have been chasing him out to make sure he was okay.

Clare-adise No More

This was a rocky week for everyone’s favourite raccoon-lover. Clare turned down the offer for a date with Cody. Zach said it was up to her to decide, which should have been a sign for Clare that this wasn’t going to go well. He later turned down a date from Christy. This wasn’t enough to save their struggling relationship. It was all too much too fast for Zach. Clare wants a man who know what he wants, and it just wasn’t Zach. She decided that she needed to leave paradise, and it was pretty apparent why when Zach didn’t fight for her to stay. I actually really enjoyed Clare on this season, and I hope she finds someone who makes her happy.

Not looking good, you guys

Not looking good, you guys

Menage a Blah

After receiving a rose from Jackie, Jesse wants to explore other options. Enter Christy. She first asks out Zach, who turns her down. She then goes for Jesse, who happily accepts. She divulges to him her past relationships, mistaking him for a genuine guy, but dude is a straight up douche. They make out a little. Lucy then arrives, making quite a first impression. Girl clearly thought she was on ‘Dating Naked’ as she disrobes pretty well immediately. She too asks Zach on a date. They too make out. Then, after a declaration that no one is drinking enough by Christy, they all make out together. Or at least that’s what editing tells us.

OTP

OTP

Goodbye

These week we say goodbye to Kalon, as to be expected. We also said goodbye to Marquel after Jackie gave her rose to Jesse. In the final rose ceremony of the evening, Jesse must choose between Christy and Lucy, both who are vying for his rose. He ends up giving it to Christy. Previews tell us that union probably won’t be lasting too much longer.

Until next week, mes amies! Follow me on twitter and check out this week’s podcast!

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