The Bachelor – The American Mexico

The women and the Chrises are heading to Santa Fe, New Mexico this week, and much to the surprise of Megan, they don’t even have to use their passports! Good thing Megan is pretty. On to the episode!

Not what you think

Not what you think

World’s Worst Date

Carly is sky-rocketing in my personal power rankings, and she has been in Chris’ as well because she got the first one-on-one of the week. We should have all known what a shitshow this was going to be based on the date card ‘Let’s come together’. Jesus Christ, this is a prime time show on a national network.

The producers, totally forgetting that this show isn’t written by Lena Dunham, send Chris and Carly on a date to go see a love guru. You read me right, a love guru. Why is it that all love gurus look like horrifying people that I would never want to take love advice from? The pair agreed because they decided that they didn’t want to keep undressing each other in front of some weirdo and a bunch of cameras. How unreasonable of them. Thankfully, the love guru settled for watching them holding each other and breathing in sync. While at home, I puked in sync with every single person watching this show.

'how could he not give me a rose? I'M A VIRGIN!'

‘how could he not give me a rose? I’M A VIRGIN!’

Rafting & Rejects

The group date girls went rafting. Jade fell out, and is too skinny to keep her body heat at a normal temperature so Chris had to ‘warm her up’. That was literally the only slightlyish interesting moment of the early part of the date, so we’re moving on.

Before Chris can rejoin the girls, he is stopped by Jordan. If you, like Chris, cannot remember Jordan, she is the girl who got hella sloshed and got sent home in week 2. She wanted to talk to Chris and the girls were NOT okay when she showed up with him for the remainder of the date. He ended up sending her home because it wasn’t fair to the other girls. Also, he got rid of her weeeeks ago.

Chris gave Whitney the rose, because he couldn’t give two roses in a row to my girl, Kaitlyn. Ashley was not okay with this because Ashley doesn’t know how to function as a rational human being and cried all night. Even Mackenzie told her to get over herself. IF A WOMAN WHO NAMES HER KID KALE IS JUDGING YOU, YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG.

Up in the Air

usually people who are afraid of heights don't hang off the side while making out

usually people who are afraid of heights don’t hang off the side while making out

Britt was awoken bright and early by Chris for their date. WEARING A FULL FACE OF MAKE UP. Maybe it’s because she never showers, which was revealed earlier in the episode, but either way that is not a good life choice. Chris commented on how beautiful she looks in the morning. Apparently Chris is a bigger moron than any of us realized because SPARKLY EYELIDS ARE NOT A NATURAL THING THAT HAPPENS TO WOMEN.

They went up in a hot air balloon for a fun adventure, while the other girls stayed at home and talked about how manipulative Britt is. Fun convo, you guys. Chris and Britt were suuupes sleepy after their date so they took a ‘nap’ in Chris’ suite.

The Saga of Kelsey

Not a scene from 'The Shining'

Not a scene from ‘The Shining’

After last week’s episode, few people thought much of Kelsey, but boy did her reputation go down the drain this week. She was upset that she didn’t get either one-on-one date this week because she didn’t feel like group dates are conducive to telling sad stories. Just tell that to Juelia.

She snuck away from the other girls to go talk to Chris after his second one-on-one date. She tells him about her dead husband. She tells us how amazing her story is. Then her and Chris make out. The whole thing made me more uncomfortable than the love guru date, and I really did not think that was possible. Now I’m not implying anything crazy, but the whole move just came off as cold, calculating, and insincere.

The (Lack of) Rose Ceremony

Chris told the girls that Kelsey had come to talk to him and that he needed a minute to collect his thoughts. Chris Harrison said there would be no rose ceremony, and then kelsey had a panic attack.

Just like the episode, this blog is TO BE CONTINUED. Until then, follow me on twitter and check out this week’s podcast.

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