I asked myself all of these questions at least once during the episode. Who is that? What is going on? Why am I putting myself through this? Because I like watching other human beings who willingly put themselves in these situations slightly embarrass themselves on national television.
At least I’m honest about my intentions, unlike Ben.
What a Putz
This is quite possibly the most amazing segment of television in the Bachelor franchise history. I honestly do not believe I am being hyperbolic making this claim. We begin the episode with Chris Harrison doing his best Keith Morrison from ‘Dateline’ impression. He says there was even more drama after Michelle K left the rose ceremony last week, because of course there was. Chris tried to confront her at her hotel room and she was having none of that. So instead, we heard from the the cast handler.
So what happened was that Michelle and a crew member fell in love over a balcony or something. When this cast handler went to talk to Michelle, she looked visibly shaken. It turns out her new beau had jumped over the balcony. I could not make this up if I tried. We are then shown the greatest re-enactment of the century using what I can only assume is Elan Gale’s favourite instagram filter. We are then introduced to THE Ryan Putz as he lays in his hospital, both legs adorned in casts where he admits that he did have a sexual relationship with that woman.
No, the Other Chris
Your favourite scumbag is back again! Yet another one to cross the threshold into ‘holy’ trinity territory. Chris Bukowski, most recently seen being escorted out of the mansion on the first night of Andi’s season, is back for love. No, for real this time. He arrived to the villa with a date card in hand, and after meeting the women, he asked Clare for her hand in datedom. They got tandem massages while Chris promised that he had changed. Yeah, okay…
Elise & Dylan
Dylan is sooo over Elise. They had a fun week of making out in the ocean, but he is tired of hanging out with someone who is unable to form a coherent sentence. He says maybe they should start hanging out with other people. She takes this as a sign their relationship is sooo strong. She then tests their relationship by making out in the water with Chris. Dylan is not impressed, but like, he told her to do it. I’m with Elise here, and that is the only time I will EVER say that. I think Dylan was just looking for an excuse to not hang out with Elise anymore, which is completely reasonable. Dylan gets a datecard, and Elise expects to be asked on the date. She isn’t. Instead, Sarah is.
Love (ancient) Pyramids
None of these are actually love triangles, because they are mostly just returned mutual attraction with one extraneous person who is also kind of into someone who is into someone else. Anyway, here they are.
Some guy named ‘Zach’ arrived? Apparently he was on Des’ season? He asked Clare out on a date? They made out a lot?
Late Night ‘Swims’
There were many a late night swims taken in this episode, including perennial swimmer, Clare who was joined by newcomer Zach. Also on this list – Lacey and Marcus, Chris and Elise, and probably some others that I have chosen to block out of memory in order to remain somewhat sane.
Marcus ‘stumbled’ across a letter written by someone claiming to be in love with Ben. Ben claims he only found it when he got there, and yeeees it was written by a girl who he was in love with, but he couldn’t say no to a free vacay! I feel you, brother.
Everyone was liiiivid that Ben would even CONSIDER besmirching the good name of Bachelor in Paradise by coming on the show without good intentions! As IF you guys aren’t all there to be on TV too. Anyway, Michelle $ freaks out and says she is offended by the decision he made. I am offended that she is this outraged. I guess she thinks she missed out on a real quality man because Ben was cast instead? Girl, this is the Bachelor franchise. Give your head a shake.
Ben then left with his ninja turtle backpack in hand.
The Rose Ceremony
Prior to the offish ceremony, we got a little bit of last minute draaama. Dylan made sure Sarah knew that he was into her and that she was like, a huuuge upgrade on Elise. Considering that Sarah had a good grasp on the English language, that was no difficult feat. Robert was desperate for a rose and he could see his short Bachelor life flashing before his eyes. Cue Marquel and Michelle $. So far, they’ve been having grand ole time, but Marquel had an issue he needed to address. He told Michelle $ that he thinks that she ‘likes to drink’, ironically, while holding a glass of wine himself. This was 100% a total douche move. Robert saw an opportunity, and took advantage of it.
The least suspenseful couples went first. Ashlee chose Graham, Lacey chose Marcus, Clare chose Zach. HERE’S WHERE WE GET A FEW CURVEBALLS. I legitimately though Marquel was a goner, but Michelle $ gave him a rose, regardless of his rude comment. Elise tried to give hers to Dylan, but he said ‘Seriously Elise, I cannot emotionally deal with being around your crazy’. This sent her on an unintelligible tangent about life and love or something. She ended up giving her sloppy seconds rose to Chris, who graciously accepted it, because that’s the kind of guy he is. Dylan and Robert were left vying for Sarah’s rose, which, in a surprise move to no one if you’ve watched the promo package even once, went to Robert. Dylan ended up leaving ‘paradise’, kind of sad, but mostly happy he doesn’t have to hang out with Elise anymore.