The Bachelor; The Awkward Kiss Seen Around the World

JP kissI can’t believe it’s only been a week since our last look into Juan Pablo’s journey for love. It’s been a pretty busy week for JP, you know making homophobic comments to the media, that kind of thing. I’m sure you’ve all read what he said, so I’m not going to go into it here. I’m only here for the in-show drama.

At the mansion the girls are, as usual, waiting for the date cards to start filing in. The first one-on-one goes to Cassandra. If you need a refresher, she’s the one who wanted to leave last week because she missed her son. JP promised her and Renee that he would do his best to figure out his feelings for them pretty early in the process because he doesn’t want to keep them away from their kids. So, he’ll cut them around the final 6.

Their date entails adventure in a Jesus Jeep (aka it travels on water as well as land), they drive around and have fun, then the go swimming and make out in the water. Cassandra manages to tell us AT LEAST 6 times that she hasn’t been on a first date in 3 years. I’m not exaggerating, I counted. At 21, 3 years is a really long time, okay guys?!?! Sparks fly between Cassandra and Juan Pablo, and she ends up with a rose.

The group date comes and Elise and Chelsie were left off the card, which means they will be vying for the second one-on-one date. This week’s group date is much more family-friendly, aka less nudity, and less drunkenness. They head out the LA Galaxy stadium. DODGERS STADIUM OR BUST. At least some of the girls knew that David Beckham had once walked these halls, and that’s all that matters. They have a friendly soccer game, where a few of the girls, embarrassingly enough, wrote Juan Pablo’s name all over their bodies #CRINGE. After Sharleen gets hit in the face a few times, the red team is declared the winners and the girls go and get changed for drinks at the stadium.

The girls fight for time with Juan Pablo and get sad every time they see him make out with another girl. The collective audience gets sad when we see Sharleen make out with Juan Pablo, because that might have been the worst kiss in The Bachelor history. Because I like her so much, I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say all the soccer balls to the head made her forget how to kiss. Andi was upset seeing Sharleen kiss Juan Pablo because Andi had JUST made out with him in the snack bar!! That sounds like the best place to make out, frankly. Sorry Andi, those are the rules of the game! Nikki the nurse ends up getting the group date rose.

We come back to the mansion where Elise goes on forever about how Chelsie is just not right for Juan Pablo, or ready to be a mother, and for those reasons she should not get that one-on-one. Too bad Elise, Chelsie gets the date and she gets ready for an adventure. First Juan Pablo takes Chelsie for some Venezuelan food. I’m sure in real-time, this sounds like a great idea, but to us the audience, it doesn’t sound like a great idea to eat Venezuelan food before going bungee-jumping.

Chelsie does not like the idea of bungee-jumping. She cries on the pedestal. I’m with her; I’d take a hard pass on jumping off any bridges and/or buildings. She eventually goes for it, and they jump. To celebrate their accomplishment, they have a little bit of a make out sesh while hanging upside down. Cue the girl saying if they can get through this, they can get through anything! They then go for dinner at the Pasadena city hall. I wouldn’t expect that they would have great reviews on yelp, but whatever. After dinner they are surprised with yet another private concert!! Please, Bachelor producers, hire me as your date designer, I’ll do a much better job than whoever you have now. Chelsie gets the rose, no thanks to her off-key singalong.

Juan Pablo comes to the mansion to make the girls some breakfast. Some of them were embarrassed that he saw them without make-up, others just wanted some damn food. Then Juan Pablo is tired of the typical, boring cocktail ceremonies. He wants more nudity! POOL PARTY IT IS. More making out! More fighting! More cannon balls!

Some of the girls did not appreciate how the others were acting around Juan Pablo. How dare they try and him to like them. Sharleen tries her hand at kissing again, and it was much less awkward. Must have been the soccer balls. Chris interrupts the pool party to inform JP that it was time for the rose ceremony. They come back all dressed up, ready to crush some dreams. Lucy and some blonde girl (Christy maybe? ) were sent home. I was sad to see Lucy go home. She was really growing on me, and you know she would bring some fun to the competition.

Next week we start our journey around the world, aka the only reason I’d go on the Bachelor.

Until next time, follow me on twitter for some live-tweeting action.

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